i sit on an ocean wall...

waves hitting it...
bouncing into it...

the water below cold...
the sound soothing...
in the distance...
are some boats...
some restaurants...

and i stand alone...
imagining...
to jump into the water...
to be stuck...
against the wall...
in the cold water...
struggling...
potentially not surviving...

but i also know...
that the people nearby...
may run to help...
to save my deleriuos self...
half drowned...

its just a thought...
but i know i would not do it...
just a thought...
and i act it out...
completly in my head...

i walk along the wall...
i sit in a harbour fish and chip shop...
"kalkis"...

as i eat my hake and chips...
the train passes by...
the night train...

and i imagine...
what would happen...
if i parked...
on the railway crossing...
and let the train...
knock my vehicle...
knock myself...
cause a commotion...

again...
as i write now...
i realise people would see...
potentially help...
i wonder if thats part of the theme...

but i realise as i eat my chips...
i am not suicidal...
but somehow...
obssesed with these thoughts...

and so i leave my seaside table...
say goodbye to the ocean...
give the car gaurd 2rand...
and get into my dad's car...

as i drive across the railways...
i say to myself...
"imagine jus stopping there for 10seconds...
on the tracks...
jus for fun..."

knowing i am not planning to get hit...
but jus for fun...

but i dont...

i grin...
and drive across...
and sit on the otherside...
waiting for the robot to change...
the robot to let me go...

and as i sit there...
i realise...
that i am obssesed with vanishing...
with trying to disapear...
to get away...
from what life is throwing at me...

as i thought earlier...
i am not suicidal...
just trying to avoid...
what life is throwing in my path...

trying to get away from me...
from here...

and also...
somehow...
seeking that others know...
that others are aware...

otherwise i could jus run into the wild...
far away...

where as all my images...
have an idea...
of being saved...
of being noticed...
of being something...

the daunting ideas...
need to be faced...
head on...
now...