Dr. Hope, lost lover...

a rainbow...

a beautifull view to some...
dreaded by others...
since it indicates that the rain is finished for that moment...

a boy in blanket...
in the kingdom of lesotho...
a reality to some...
a dream...
or passing image to others...

we live in a diverse world...

old facebook notes

11.59pm Tuesday, June 22, 2010

seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years...
what happened to time...?
what happened to dreams...?

all lost in the fear of lose...
all lost in the need for stability...

stability and garauntee, make
little sense, where death, is
the only garauntee...

old facebook notes

last night... Saturday, May 22, 2010

a bar
one woman
20 men
the scandanavian girl
is definantly popular
right now

beer
pool
mixed drinks
music
reggae music
and a fire outside

marawana lies everywhere
the smell
the product
it's a haze
around me

but im not in the haze

my haze is emotion
it hazes me

i fall asleep
in my tent
open to the sky
letting the stars
shine on me

and i shine back
at them

and let time
heal me

and i let time
heal you

and i thank
for the hectic times

and for the
calm times

and for this
meloncholic time
that heals
and lets
memories drift by

music behind me
kids in the distance

chattering

its saturday

lets do what we do on saturdays

lets unwind
lets drink another coffee

lets
"let go"
and embrass
at the same tme...

old facebook notes

whats that movie called...??? Thursday, March 11, 2010

you know those days...

when the emotions are there...

and you walking around a mall...

a pick 'n pay to be precise...

in a tired drowsy thoughtfullness...

since its so hot...

and the emotions are near the skin...


and suddenly...

for some reason you clap your hands...

and imagine the whole store...

becomeing a choreographed musical...

even though...

you know you cant sing or dance...

and it reminds you of that movie...

with the "beatles" music...

but you cant remember what its called...

even though you loved it and can imagine every scene...

and the scene where she...

dances on the football field...

so well choreographed...

and you know the title has the word universe in it...

uumm...

maybe i know it...

old facebook posts.

branches... green... sunset... Sunday, December 14, 2008

i had a long day...

i swam in a river...

it was not deep so i dipped...

as i stood and changed...

i noticed a tree...

it was green and alive...

on one side...

the other was branchy and dead...

but it was a beuatfifull tree...

and both sides were beuatifull...

both the green...

and the dead twisty...

and i stared...

at the tree...

it was beuatifull...

and life thoughts entered my head...

and i thought...

that even the pain...

the hard...

the dead times in life...

are beuatifull...

jus like the beuaty of the twisty...

dry branches...

in the sunset...

old facebook notes.

when life feels like a song... Friday, November 14, 2008...

sometimes... i hear a song... and its feels like the whole world is moving to this song...

at those moments... i say wow... i love music... as the whole world around me feels my emotions and me theres... and it all move to this song... wow...

am i crazy... or is this jus life...

we all so alone but so joined...

isnt that crazy...

the day hannah flew. (post on my facebook may 1st 2010)

it was a warm sunday... and hannah and a french guy took me up the mountain in a wagon... a wagon or a landrover... a landrover... and we wound our way up the mountain... till we arrived at the top...

it was busy up there... many people at a pub on top of a mountain on top of a part of africa... my africa... on top of my africa... our africa...

so hannah and myself and the french guy whos name slips me... but we will call him david... cause that might of been his name... and some french people are called david... walked away from the crowds out towards the edge of the mountain... and sat near a edge... looking down and over and around... and spoke about life and science and life... as the madding crowd was a bit away behind us...

it was a pretty sunny day... with little white clouds in the distance... like in photos... or movies... or dreams... and we sat there semi alone on the edge of a mountain... in africa... my africa... our africa... and hannah walked out a bit to the edge and stood staring out in to the distance... we could see for ever... we saw the ieffell tower in france and the great american prairies... it was amazing to see that far from my mountain... our mountain... it was.... wow...

and as i looked out at hannah... she jumped... and i was scared she would fall... but she landed on her feet... on my mountain... and as i looked again she jumped again... and jumped... and jumped...

and then she jumped... and she never landed... she jumped and flew... and put out her arms and soared out with the crows on the near by cliffs... and soared and flew... and i could hear her giggling and laughing as she flew... i rubbed my eyes... i pinched myself... but she kept flying... it was... pretty... it was... wow...

and the crows flew by too... and sounded like they giggled too... and hannah flew over... and laughed... and shouted... weeee.... wooo.... as she buzzed by... it was so wow... i was amazed and shocked... and she swooped down and picked up david by his arms and let him go... and he flew... and swooped also... laughing and saying... ooo laaa laaa... he is french... and he buzzed by me... and then hannah... and i smiled... i smiled and laughed... cause it was... wow...

and then i saw david and hannah shoot off into the distance... disapear and all i saw was crows flying and swooping by... and then i felt myself drag and lift up... as david and hannah grabbed me from behind and lifted me up and let me go... and i screamed... a small scream... weeaaa... and as they let me go i first fell and then put out my arms and spun and flew... and i felt the air zoom over my body... and it was... wow...

the crows... and me... and hannah... and david... and a bearded vulture zoomed by... it was so sweet i could taste sugar... wow...

and we could see the people starting to fly too and everyone was giggling and zooming and buzzing and wow... it was amazing... flying so high...

and looked at hannah and she smiled and zoomed... and david he shouted "camabert" and zoomed by... and wow... and some south african even shouted... bookke... i think they beat england that day...

and then i looked at hannah and she looked puzzled... and i was confused cause sahe jus hung in space... and then as i passed her she said... but matthew... i cannot fly... and as she said that she started dropping... and then david... and i... and all... jus dropped...

wow... what a day...

and then we drove home as i slept in the back of the wagon... landrover... remember the days when i slept in the car on family holidays... it was a sweet day... wow...

i walk into the shopping mall "toilets"...
and snow patrol is playing...
thru the vents...
or something...
like elevator music...
or "toilet" music in this case...

and i am sure i have heard it in "toilets" before...
must be the top "washroom" hits...
or something...

and all i can think is...

if i had been in horsens...
denmark...
last sunday...
i could of seen U2 and snow patrol live...

ooopss...

the phone rings...

moments later...
after racing the freeway...
considering jumping red lights...
but luckily most stayed green...

you sit at a robot...
heart beating fast...
mind pounding...
deep breathing...

and you notice the car next to you...
guy inside with ear phones on...
mouthing the music...
bouncing to the music...
smiling...

and you think of the bizarreness...
of this guy smilling...
singing...
while your on your way...
to hear some of the worst news of your life...

it all seems so sureal...
but its real...

and as you drive home...
and you notice all the hot girls...
and all the young guys...
on there way to night clubs...
talking...
smiling...
and youve just lost someone you loved...

we are all in different moments...
all in different times...
yet we are all human...
all struck by similar emotions...
similar joys...
similar pains...

this is life...

gil en rieko... (spelling...)

where...?
where have i been...?
where am i...?
where do i see myself...?

at the moment...
i am trying to find my meaning...
my point...
my purpose...

maybe this is life journey...
maybe its just around the corner...
maybe i need to give up searching...
maybe i need to be easier on myself...

maybe...
i need to choose life...

hehehe...

fantasy time...

a time to escape from where you are...
to become what ever you want...
for a moment...
for a day...
for your life...

goat shearing in the mountain kingdom of lesotho...

every year, april to june, the goats get sheared...
just before winter, so that ice and snow, cannot
collect inside the wool...
the wool then gets exported to port elizabeth, and then
mostly china... some of the wool, will be made into local
hats worn by the sheperds...

do you not realise...
how much your words...
hurt me...

how much they break me down...
and destroy me...

year after year...
day after day...

you mentally...
turn me into...
nothing...

and that is why...
i sit torn...
figuring out...
how to protect myself...
yet...
do what i feel is right...

the day ends...
the mood is high...
the mind altering festival is taking its course...

romance...
warmth...
2 lovers taken by the moment...

the sunsets...

"the blue day book" click on this

so today...
i go for a walk...
to call my boss...
to find out if i can have more leave...

and i end up...
calling him from a coffee shop...
where i drink 2 capucino's...
large...
and find this book...
"the blue day book"
uuummm...

normally...
books like this freak me out...
with cute pics of animals...
and stories of life...
but for some reason...
today...
this book made me smile...
and almost laugh...
uummm...

the funniest picture is not in this video though...
but still...

either i have lost my mind...
or suddenyl found some humour...

maybe also the fact that this book was written by a man amazed me...
i always imagine them written by housewifes...
as feel good books...

anyway...
either i have jus shared a story to make someone smile...
or an embarrasing discovery...

lol...

i sit on an ocean wall...

waves hitting it...
bouncing into it...

the water below cold...
the sound soothing...
in the distance...
are some boats...
some restaurants...

and i stand alone...
imagining...
to jump into the water...
to be stuck...
against the wall...
in the cold water...
struggling...
potentially not surviving...

but i also know...
that the people nearby...
may run to help...
to save my deleriuos self...
half drowned...

its just a thought...
but i know i would not do it...
just a thought...
and i act it out...
completly in my head...

i walk along the wall...
i sit in a harbour fish and chip shop...
"kalkis"...

as i eat my hake and chips...
the train passes by...
the night train...

and i imagine...
what would happen...
if i parked...
on the railway crossing...
and let the train...
knock my vehicle...
knock myself...
cause a commotion...

again...
as i write now...
i realise people would see...
potentially help...
i wonder if thats part of the theme...

but i realise as i eat my chips...
i am not suicidal...
but somehow...
obssesed with these thoughts...

and so i leave my seaside table...
say goodbye to the ocean...
give the car gaurd 2rand...
and get into my dad's car...

as i drive across the railways...
i say to myself...
"imagine jus stopping there for 10seconds...
on the tracks...
jus for fun..."

knowing i am not planning to get hit...
but jus for fun...

but i dont...

i grin...
and drive across...
and sit on the otherside...
waiting for the robot to change...
the robot to let me go...

and as i sit there...
i realise...
that i am obssesed with vanishing...
with trying to disapear...
to get away...
from what life is throwing at me...

as i thought earlier...
i am not suicidal...
just trying to avoid...
what life is throwing in my path...

trying to get away from me...
from here...

and also...
somehow...
seeking that others know...
that others are aware...

otherwise i could jus run into the wild...
far away...

where as all my images...
have an idea...
of being saved...
of being noticed...
of being something...

the daunting ideas...
need to be faced...
head on...
now...

this is where we learn to love...
right here...
right now...
in this moment...
when everything spins...
uncontrollably out of control..

this where we learn to love...

to understand me, you need to understand yourself...

i share an emotion...
a story...

and the way you react...
depends on your own life...
your own emotions...
your own experiences...

some people wave off what i say...
with a shame...
with a i care...
with a i understand...

some people cry...
some people laugh...
some people smile...

and so i am realising...
that understanding comes not from just listening...
but from knowing the feeling...
from understanding your own emotion...
to the same or similar situation...

through this...
i do not judge those who i dont connect with...
i jus realise more and more...
as i feel i have always known...
that we are all on different planes...
different levels...
different places...

but at certain times...
different people...
will help us...
will understand us...
and will connect with us...
and will help us to understand ourselves...

the other day...
while walking in a small mall...
the beauty of the simple people around me...
their smiles...
their small gestures towards me...
their humaness...
made me realise...

"somedays i can give up on life, but i can never give up on humans..."
(saying that, of course there are days, when certain humans push me beyond my limit... hehehe...)

or in another way...

"the beauty of humans, protects me from the pain of life..."
(of course this expression is approprite to the moment it was thought, not to say life is always pain... just to carry in those moments when all seems to fall apart...)

those seem like kinda cliched little sayings...
hehehe...

its 2.20am...
why would i be awake this late...?
any aunty/mother figure voice inside my head would say...
"go to sleep boy"...

goodnight...

some leisure time...
to spin flames...
to entertain the self...
and the masses...
getting yourself lost...
in the flames...

that twirl...

in the desert...

(this has recently also been on my facebook page, but i am making a point of also publishing everything on here... as not all my viewers, are facebook account holders...)

starts small...
a dream...
a thought...
a smile...
a love...
atleast an idea that it may be love...


and ends...

lieing in a bed...
wondering where your dreams have gone...
coughing...
hurting...
crying...
dieing...

is this really what life is...?

(these are expressions of things i feel at this moment, due to certain situations... i am sorry this one is so "downward"... sometimes they will also be "upward"... lol...)

the ashley shoot, port st. johns...